


Not a monster

by sugamamalovesu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AHAHAHAHA, Angst, Bc I cry when it comes to sad endings, Break Downs, But rlly angst at the start, Crying, Dating, Different time frame doe, Fluff, Happy Ending, In front of Karasuno 030, Iwaizumi is a good boyfriend, Iwaizumi x Oikawa - Freeform, Karasuno vs Aoba Jousai, M/M, Oikawa Tooru Angst, Oikawa and Kageyama friendship, Overworked Oikawa, Panic Attack, Practice match, SO, SUPER CUTE AT ONE POINT, Same Age Characters, Warning:, also a little fluff at the end, and iwa-channn, aoba jousai - Freeform, can be triggering, depressed oikawa, hella angsty, help me, idk anymore, iwaoi angst, iwaoi fluff, jk I love Oikawa, oikawa has anxiety, pls, read it, so angsty oof, so fluffy oof, tf am i doing, to flattykawa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26358454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugamamalovesu/pseuds/sugamamalovesu
Summary: Oikawa  Tooru,,  seemingly  perfect  to  most.  Called  invulnerable,, a  monster,,  and with any  loss  Aoba  Jousai  encountered  -  the  more  of  his  sanity  chipped  away. So  he  worked  until  he  cried,,  and  collapsed,,  in front of all of them.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, and more - Relationship
Comments: 42
Kudos: 224





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> The setting of the story is :: a practice match with Karasuno.
> 
> One where Oikawa couldn’t take the thought of loosing anymore.
> 
> Keep reading, and let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> I’ll most likely post this on Wattpad too, but we’ll seeeee...
> 
> Oh, and this chapter is just a preparation.
> 
> But please read it, it’s important!
> 
> And let me know if you have any ideas for the fic!
> 
> | a little angst at the start, and a little fluff at the end. |

Today was just like any other day for Oikawa Tooru. Helpless thoughts, mental breakdowns, panic attacks, this was only normal! But he was getting tired. More tired than he usually was. 

He was beginning to think that his medication wasn’t working. At the moment, they were speaking with their coach. Well, more like Iwaizumi was speaking with their coach whilst he zoned out. He was so, so, tired. He wanted to crawl into a ball, and just cry, pour out all of his emotions instead of constantly hiding them. 

They’d lost a few matches, and it was getting to him as it usually did. It wasn’t a surprise to him - at least. Yet a simple a few simple sentences managed to snap him out of it, thankfully, he didn’t make his fear show.   
  


  
“You’re going to have a practice match with Karasuno tomorrow. Make sure to beat them. We can’t loose anymore. So, Oikawa, no more messing up. Make sure to get some proper rest, and don’t overwork yourself again. We can’t afford that. Not anymore.”

He put on another one of his famous, charming smiles; and allowed a chuckle to escape his lips. But Iwazumi could tell it was all fake. Oikawa’s real smile made him glow, but this one, Iwaizumi could tell that he was afraid.

He was sure that even Karasuno would see through it, and that worried him. He wasn’t worried about Karasuno seeing through his fake smile, he was worried about Oikawa. He tended to have lots of panic attacks, most of which he guided him through.

But their coach was also pressuring him, he couldn’t help but be worried. He placed a hand on Oikawa’s back, gently stroking up and down to try and calm the other down. He just hoped he wouldn’t overwork himself. Or else everything would go downhill from there.

And he didn’t want Oikawa to feel weak, or bad about himself. That always happened. He overworked himself, lost, lost himself shorty after, and the cycle continued. He just couldn’t help being worried. This was his best friend, AND boyfriend they were talking about.

”No need to worry about me, coach! I’ll blow them all away as usual ~”

But that didn’t sound convincing to Iwaizumi. Not in the slightest. Wether Oikawa liked to admit it or not, he was sensitive. The smallest loss made him spiral. It made him hurt, and worried. The match was tomorrow, too. That wouldn’t help. Not even in the slightest. 

From what Iwaizumi predicted, Oikawa would spend the following hours for practice - with no breaks whatsoever. By himself, too. But he wouldn’t allow that. Unless Oikawa somehow shut him out.   
  


Their coach nodded, and let them go practice. Of course, Oikawa went to practice by himself. He kept spiking, working on his serves - but he couldn’t work on blocking or receiving without anyone helping him.

Iwaizumi saw this as an opportunity if he ever saw one. He walked up to Oikawa, and placed a hand on his shoulder, he felt him flinch. Which only gave him more reason to be worried. He sighed.

Oikawa turned around, smiling. He was glad that it was only his precious Iwa-chan, or else he’d probably be in trouble. Or would he? He really didn’t know anymore. With a ‘happy’ sigh, he spoke.

”What is it, Iwa-chan?”

“I was wondering if I could help you with your blocking, and receiving, and give me some feedback on my spikes?”

He asked, trying to make sure he didn’t seem too suspicious. And to his luck, Oikawa agreed. And so they practiced, but he noticed that Oikawa was starting to get tired after a few hours. Which was strange. He usually had a lot more stamina. But he was breathing heavily.

He stopped, walking under the net with a worried expression. Without word, he put his hands on Oikawa’s shoulders and lead him towards one of the benches. Their coach giving him an approving look.

”Iwa-chan...”

He heard Oikawa mutter, he shushed him. He could tell how tired he was. He figured that Oikawa most likely hadn’t slept, he seemed so weak that he couldn’t even fight back. Not to mention that his serves were weak, and he missed a lot of receives.

He sat down on the bench next to him, allowing Oikawa’s head to slowly fall onto his shoulder, his eyes slowly closing, his body relaxing. Iwaizumi wrapped his arm around Oikawa’s back, using his other arm to wrap his arm around his front - to insure that he didn’t topple over.

They stayed like this until it was time to leave, he didn’t want to wake Oikawa up, so he carefully lift him up, not bridal style because that’d be weird to him, even though they were dating. He took Oikawa to his place, using one of the keys in Oikawa’s bag to open up the house.

Thankfully, his parents were away - so there wasn’t any issues. He went into Oikawa’s room, laid the exhausted boy down on his bed, very carefully changing his clothes, and wrapping him in his blankets. He released a relieved sigh, and placed a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead. Quietly wishing him a good rest.

Iwaizumi resisted the urge to snoop around Oikawa’s room, and decided to go home. He was still worried. No matter how peaceful Oikawa looked, he never knew what could happen. Sometimes, Oikawa had panic attacks seemingly out of nowhere. He scratched that thought.

Chuckling, he walked into the sunset, being hopeful that his boyfriend would be **just fine**.


	2. And so it begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins.
> 
> Overwork, pressure, so where is the solution?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t have much to say other than, enjoy the chapter loves!

All Oikawa wanted was ONE night of proper sleep, one was just enough. But of course, that was impossible. He had another one of his nightmares. He was drowning. Something was pulling him by his leg, into the water. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his chest was tight, and on top of all of that - he was choking. He was desperately trying to swim out of the water, to breathe. Right before he thought it was the end, he woke up.

He jumped up,, a choked sob escaping his lips, using his hand to clutch his chest. He wanted this ENTIRE nightmare to end. Sweat trickled down his forehead, his breathing was rigid - in fact, he wasn’t even breathing. Well, he was trying to. He wanted his Iwa-chan. He wanted him to run to him, hug him, stroke his hair and tell him that everything was going to be just fine like he always did when he was having panic attacks.

Once he was somewhat calm, he checked the time. He sighed as soon as he saw what time it was ; he certainly wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon. 4 in the morning. He’d have to be in school at8. And even if he tried, he was pretty source he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep either. He was somewhat calm at this point but - his body was still trembling, shaking. He was scared of loosing to Karasuno, or getting too tired before the match.

He tried so hard to fall asleep, so that maybe, maybe he’d be able to last during school. But he wasn’t able to get to bed. So instead, he used some concealer his mother left behind to cover up his dark circles, put on a smile, and went to school. The day went on like any other, until he started getting tired around lunch time. More tired than he was earlier, that is. He tried his best to cover it up, but by the way Iwaizumi was staring at him - he could tell that it was painfully obvious.

Instead of eating lunch, he went to the gym - since he had a spare key, and practiced. Over and over. It had to be perfect, the coach told him that he couldn’t mess up. He couldn’t. He’d hate himself more than he ever had if they did. The team was counting on him, their coach was counting on him, HECK, Iwa-chan... Iwa-chan was counting on him. He couldn’t let him down. If he let his Iwa-chan down, he wouldn’t be able to look at himself in the mirror. To put on that fake smile he always did so nobody thought he was weak.

Once lunch ended, he left the gym, locked it, and went on with his classes. His smile was dull now, he could hardly even smile anymore - fake or real. He managed to hold up pretty well throughout the entirety of his classes, and then came the practice match. He was panicking, even if he didn’t FULLY show it. Fully? Yeah, his smile was fake, and almost everyone could tell. Hell, Sugawara was even worried. But he wasn’t in the match, so it wasn’t like he could do anything...

He was making simple mistakes. And it was painfully obvious that he was trying to hide his frustration, and he refused a timeout as well. He was stumbling, his serves were getting weaker and weaker. He took in every single mistake he made, but he only started getting worse. Karasuno called for a timeout, in which Iwaizumi grabbed him, and sat him down. He was sitting there, holding his head in frustration. Karasuno were doing great, why’d they call for a timeout?

—

Meanwhile, the reason Karasuno called the timeout was because of Oikawa. Normally, they’d use this as an advantage ; but it was clear the boy wasn’t doing alright. Neither mentally, nor physically. And while this may secure them a win against Aoba Johsai, what was the point of winning while Oikawa was in this state? Sure, one may argue ; a win is a win, but if he wasn’t at his best, which he clearly wasn’t - then it wasn’t really an actual win.

“Well, what are we supposed to do? It’s not like we can actually do anything. End the match?”

“Well...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE CLIFFHANGER IS NOTHING BIG I SWEAR, PLS DON’T GET EXCITED, YOU’LL BE DISAPPOINTED.


	3. What about them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is basically a little filler until the inevitable breakdown. A little from Karasuno’s POV, KEEP IN MIND! I wrote Kageyama and a few other Karasuno members as a little ignorant, but that is NOT how I see them. I just wanted to clarify. 
> 
> I posted this little filler bc I didn’t wanna make u babies wait- so I hope you still like it!

“We can-”

“BOKE! We aren’t going to give up just because he’s going to have a mental breakdown or something.”

“But if he’s not at his best, then are we really winning? He’s not doing good. Look at him.”

Sugawara gestured towards Oikawa, who was sitting down on a bench, holding his head - Iwaizumi, sitting next to him, rubbing his back, and looking genuinely worried. Much unlike his usual annoyed, or neutral expression. It was considerably worrying. None of them had ever seen Oikawa, or Iwaizumi in such a state. Sugawara gestured for them to look away, clearing his throat. Before he was even given a turn to give his opinion, insight, Kageyama spoke. Giving him zero time to utter a single word.

“No disrespect Suga, I can tell that he’s pretty weak right now, but we’re not going to throw the game just because of that.”

“... I hate to admit it, but he’s right Suga san.”

“You too Asahi? Can’t you see that us winning is going to make this worse? And what’s with calling him weak? He’s not weak, he’s clearly going through something. ”

“But throwing the game won’t do us any good either. It’ll be clear we’re holding back. If he’s going through something, he shouldn’t have come.”

“He has a point, Su-“

“Daichi, no. No he doesn’t. We’ve done normal attacks before. Why can’t we now?”

“But that’ll throw them off.”

“They’ll get used to it quicker, they can’t even block our fast atta-“

“They have before.”

“Once.”

“ENOUGH.”

Daichi interrupted, their way of arguing was quick - and Suga was clearly trying to keep his composure, but he was loosing it at a quite steady pace. His annoyance at the team’s ignorance of Oikawa’s state was just - terrible. Hell, they even called him weak. That was probably what made him loose his cool most. From what he’d seen, Oikawa was a hard worker. He didn’t back down when he was unwell, or when he had an injury, and he was afraid that would be his very downfall.

Before any of this was further discussed - the timeout ended. Which meant they had to get their heads back in the game; and most importantly, figure out what the hell they were going to do. Play to win : at the cost of someone’s sanity. Or play to loose : at the cost of their dignity. To Kageyama, his dignity was far more important. And while the others, Daichi, Asahi, and Tanaka, felt some remorse for the setter, they felt as though they had to win. Suga, on the other hand, didn’t agree in the slightest. He was too much of a sweetheart to even think of his dignity in such a situation. 

And with Hinata, it was even more complicated. 

He wanted to prove his worth, his skills, to the great king. Oikawa. But if he couldn’t even pay attention, then his efforts would - most likely - be in vain. So would he miss Kageyama’s sets by ‘accident’? Would he fail a serve by ‘accident’? He wasn’t so sure. He didn’t want to loose Kageyama’s respect, but Oikawa- this, this was so nerve wrecking. What the hell was he supposed to do? He didn’t want to loose Suga’s respect either, and he clearly didn’t agree with the other’s motives.

So, Hinata decided to do a mix of both. Miss a few, nail a few. Make it seem natural. But he could tell that Suga knew, giving him an approving glance, and a small wink. He felt good. With Kageyama on the other hand, with every fail, every miss, he was growing more frustrated. Angrier. Rather than his usual, much more friendly anger, it was getting scary. At first, with his first failed serve, Kageyama didn’t really seem to mind.

“Boke! Shake it off.”

He gave Kageyama a smile, and he received one of his weird ones : man, that guy really sucked at smiling, that he had to admit. With a failed fast attack, he started getting a little more harsh. They usually never failed. This would be their first time. So, he became noticeably more frustrated. Suga giving him another wink, and throwing Oikawa, who had stumbled to catch the failed blow, and managed to, a glance of approval, of kindness.

The next one, he obviously couldn’t fail. With every little success, Oikawa seemed to fall deeper into the dark void plaguing his mind. It was obvious. The way his eyes glazed over, the way he mumbled incoherent words, the way one of his legs tripped over his other, the oh, so dreaded way his eyes filled with terror as soon as the ball hit their side of the court, it made both Suga and Hinata want to run over and hug him. It seemed as though the others started noticing it too, it was like all their eyes were glued on him.

Little did they know that it wasn’t helping.

It was only making it worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope ya’ll don’t kill me for this, hope you like it too cuties!


	4. Break [down]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE IT COMES-
> 
> Sorry if it’s a little scattered. I don’t rlly like the chapter too much-

Oikawa could feel the burning stares on his form with every movement he made, it made him worried, afraid. Could they tell what was happening? Did they think he was weak? Some did, yes, but they were getting progressively worried. Feeling bad because of the words they’d uttered, and for arguing with their teammates. Well, more like Suga and Hinata. Everyone was staring at him. It pressured him. His eyes were slightly glazed over with tears which he was desperately holding back. On top of all that - Karasuno was only 2 points away from winning. 

And that’s when the fast attack came. It flew past him. 

His eyes widened, continuing to widen until they couldn’t anymore. His breathing was rigid, he was starting to find it hard to breathe. He was loosing it. No, THEY were loosing. They were GOING to loose. His legs started feeling weak, beginning to slightly shake, and continuing to get worse worse every second. All of this felt as though it was happening in slow motion, hours on end, yet it happened in the time span of only about 5 minutes. All eyes remained on him. Nobody made a single movement. 

Until, Iwaizumi did. He walked over to Oikawa from behind him, clearly noticing his legs shaking, but he couldn’t see the tears continuously welling up in his eyes, the desperation, the capacity his eyes were widened in. Placing a hand on his back, and gently patting patting it, he finally spoke. Something which he’d regret quite a bit in the next few seconds, minutes. 

“Oi, Kusokawa, shake it off.”

He walked slightly next to the other boy, just so he could see his face. And upon doing so, he was shocked to see the state he was in. 

Those words. Those exact words that came out of his precious boyfriend’s mouth caused him to stop breathing entirely. A shaking, forced, chuckle escaped his lips. It was truly a frightening sight. It sent a chill down Iwaizumi’s spine. While he comforted Oikawa during most of his panic attacks, he’d never seen him so... Desperate. Terrified.

“S...Shake it off? Shake it off-?”

His voice was wavering, yet he was still smiling, trying to smile. He was so desperate to try to keep the facade of him being fine. But he couldn’t do that anymore. It wasn’t working. It never worked. It never eased any amount of his pain. Fucking hell, it made it so much worse than it usually was. Bottling up his emotions, telling everyone he was fine when he wanted to scream and tell the entire world that he wasn’t fine. That he was falling apart and needed saving.

Tears began to run down his face. The entirety of Karasuno stood in shock, even Tsukishima and Kageyama were shocked. His legs crumbled beneath his own weight, he fell to his knees. Thankfully, Iwaizumi managed to grab him and slowly place him down on the floor, softening the fall. He slammed his fist on the floor, clutching his heaving chest with his other hand. The game had stopped. Their other teammates, Sugawara, and Hinata ran over to him.

They were crowding around him. The air was getting thicker by the minute. They kept touching him, it made him want to slap their hands off. Not only that, he wanted them to get away, to stop touching him. He wanted to go home, cuddle in his blankets in bed, and just cry. His still very much widened eyes were frantically looking from person to person, tears still running down his face. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. As a matter of fact, he really couldn’t.

“G... Get away from me- don’t touch me... Please-!”

He gasped for air, his body trembling, his chest continuing to heave. His teammates and the Karasuno members hastily scattered away from him, eyeing him worriedly. Iwaizumi stayed by his side. He grabbed his shoulders, and turned him to stare at him, wiping the tears off his cheeks every single time they spilt out of his eyes.

“I... I can’t do this anymore-“

He muttered, just loud enough for everyone else to hear. Iwaizumi was shocked. Oikawa had never spoken about giving up on volleyball before, his one and only passion. He knew how much he loved it. So he wasn’t going to let him give up. Not in a million years.

“Shittykawa, GOD DAMN IT! You’re not giving up on your one and only passion, the thing you’ve been working on ever since we were little. You promised me that we’d play together forever, as long as we could. You promised me that you’d take us ALL to nationals. I’m not letting you give up until you do that. UNTIL you fulfil your promise. And UNTIL you fulfil your dream, you are not giving up crappykawa.”

To say that everyone else was shocked was an understatement. They’d never seen Iwaizumi so passionate about something. Their attention then turned to Oikawa, who’s body was still shaking. The two were sitting on the floor, staring at each other. Tears were still running down Oikawa’s face, until his vision started to blur, from the pounding to his head, to the ringing of his ears- everything was starting to fade away. His hands, which had previously holding his weight had given out.

The last thing he heard was scattered screams, and one from his precious Iwaizumi, his love, and his best friend...


	5. Hands off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the late update! I completely forgot about ao3 with the current stress I've been going through, but I am back! I promise to try and get updates out more regularly! This is a very short chapter, but I hope you all still enjoy it! I'll be working hard in updating it further after this update.

Once Oikawa's eyes had peeled open, he could hear distant voices; words he struggled to make out. His eyes felt puffy, his cheeks were stained with dried tears. His body felt like shit. Once his blurry eyes finally made out his surroundings, he realized he was laid on a bench. He figured it contributed to the way his limbs ached. His whole body felt as though it was weighing him down. Perhaps it was because that's how his tormented mind felt. Perhaps... Perhaps.

  
  
Once people noticed he had woken up, they rushed to his side. He pushed their hands off his body, glaring, and slowly standing up. He wasn't in a good mood, that much was obvious. He stood up, his legs wobbling. He could feel a hand place on his shoulder, it made him flinch. He didn't even make an effort to turn around, all he knew was that it was most likely the hand of someone he didn't want to be touched by. However, the rage he felt when he heard the voice of the person was unexplainable. Why did it have to be the person he despised the most? More like... The abilities of this person. He despised how far ahead of him he was. It made him feel like he was struggling to catch up. 

  
  
"Oikawa san, maybe you should sit back d-"

  
  
"Get your hands... Off of me..."

  
  
"Oikawa san, please sit down."

  
Oikawa could feel the anger, the fear bubbling in his chest. He was like a volcano, one that was about to erupt at any second. Where was Iwaizumi, his knight in shining armor, when he needed him? God, he didn't want to have another breakdown. At least not in front of _him_. Jesus, anyone but him. Refreshing kun would be just fine, heck, even glasses kun -- just not him, for the love of God. For the love of everything good in this world, why did it have to be -  
  
  
  
" **Tobio**. What part... Of get your hands off me - do you not understand?"

At this point he was raising his voice, it wavered from an aggressive tone to that of one you would normally hear before someone started crying. It was broken. He sounded broken. To be fair, he did feel pretty broken right now. Why couldn't Kageyama just get his hands off of him, and leave? Why did he care for someone who had literally attempted to hit him in the face? Jesus, he was a horrible human being. That much was obvious from the way he treated the poor boy. But he just couldn't help it. In that moment, he just felt such overwhelming anger. It felt as though it consumed him. But he knew that wouldn't excuse his actions.  
  
  
  
  
"Kageyama, maybe you should leave him alone."  
  
  
  
Thank God for Sugawara. He could see the dejection on his kouhai's face. He hadn't even noticed his eyes watering, the way he was clenching his fists, and the way his body was tensed, almost shaking. At that moment, Iwaizumi hurriedly stormed into the gym. He could see the surprise on his face when he realized that he had woken up. His face remained emotionless. Despite the signs his body language was giving.  
  
  
  
"Oikawa, I got your stuff - do you wanna head home?"  
  
  
That was when Oikawa had noticed the fact that Iwaizumi was carrying not only his own bag, but his too. He threw a glance back at Karasuno, specifically at Tobio - and gave a reluctant nod. He didn't have the intention of speaking to Tobio, despite how desperate he seemed to speak to him. He didn't even know why he was desperate to speak with someone who had always rejected him. In more ways than one. He didn't deserve the care.


End file.
